Come on People

I know I tend to view things a bit negatively, sardonically and dryly...but really while I’m kind of an upbeat person, at times, things shit me and I just want to say 'Come on, people'.  For example language used incorrectly does my head in. Hence already means why, mother fuckers. Stop saying why as well as hence. It drives me nuts. 'Hence' and 'why' serve the same function. Seriously, people tell me a story and say “hence why“ such and such and I want to say...'hence' arsehole, that’s all you need to say, fuck off the why! Or use 'which is why'…. 'I have long grass hence why I bought the lawn mower'…NO, no, no…'I have long grass; hence I bought the lawn mower.' 

Another gripe, cause you know how I love ‘em….Where the hell has 'ly' gone. “They are driving dangerous”...actually it’s “dangerously”...remember the ‘ly’ now motherfuckers?...”Drive safe”,  na utt...”drive safely, play nicely, ” Put it in, it belongs there.

Don’t ever discuss fabric patterns or dress styles to me I will shut down quicker than a drug deal in a police station, I swear to God. I hear a wedding dress discussion and I turn and bolt away. Don’t discuss cheongsam with me or mention sheaths. An A line to me is an underground train route. I know cargo pants, boy briefs and legwarmers. I have no idea what a basque waist is. A friend at work was discussing bridesmaids dresses and I wanted to say ‘kill me now biatch’…she was discussing McCall Patterns and had actual swatches of material…”what do you think girls?” she was asking, I was shaking my head…”I don’t think you’ve got enough material there” I said. “Colours ladies..what are the preferences?” she demanded, and as I glanced around me I saw every chick in the pod was mesmerised and seriously considering her questions…there were discussion on skin tones of the bridesmaids, hair colour and actual earnest analysis of the fabric feel and hue. “I’ve always liked a viscose jersey” says one, “or what about a silk print, for something different.” The bride to be looks at me. “Did you want a consultation with me?” I ask, “Of course”, “I like blue…but if you start talking quilting I am so outa here”. Feeling I missed the point. 

Never give me directions ever. I can’t stand it because I don’t listen because it never makes sense. I am a visual person although I hate people drawing me maps too. What’s that about? I get lost so easily so it really isn’t going to work for me.

As a field officer I need to go out a lot in the car, city mainly but some rural areas too.

“It’s Okay I have a nav man” I say politely.

But he keeps going, “then you take the left just after the footbridge, you’ll notice a small pebble on the right next to the white post…,”

“I also have a refidex.”

“Then when you get to the third cyclone fence on the left, turn right, go straight for about oooh I’d say point seven five of a kilometre and then go down the dip,”

“Maybe you know it as a Street Directory….that’s what I meant to say, not refidex.”

“Over the crest at the top and you’ll come to a stop sign”

“Melways...I’ve heard they are called…are you from Melbourne?”

“Here I’ll draw it for you…make ya a mud map. That’ll sort you out.

“Ever heard of whereis…it’s great. You can even print it out. Excellent resource.”

“Won’t take me but a minute this mud map.”

“Lovely, thanks so *fucking* much.”                                     

Aaahh I need a place of zen