Read My Lips

ARKS or ASK

Not Noah’s boat that housed millions of coupled animals, no. This is a language disaster. Try though I may I just can’t get past it. When someone says to me ‘Arks your friend if I can borrow her pen’ or ‘I arks you if you wanted me to pick you up at ten and you said you’d be ready.’ I will never, ever be ready for 'arks'...unless of course it’s God sending a message about it raining for 40 days and 40 nights to drown us right out.
Ark ɑːk/ noun 1. (in the Bible) the ship built by Noah to save his family and two of every kind of animal from the flood; Noah's ark. o archaic a ship or boat. plural noun: arks
People!!!! - get it right. It’s ASK. Arse-K. Always has been (well since the 1600’s), always will be. ‘Ask me a question’, or ‘Ask me what my favourite colour is’...don’t arks me...it’s frigging lazy? It's frigging wrong and it's a boat built cubit by cubit. My thoughts are, if it’s cultural, that’s okay. If it’s a speech impediment, that's okay...if not...don’t use it. It discredit’s you. Most of you are not gangsters, rappers or from the Caribbean. Back in Chaucer’s day he used ‘I ax’...Chaucer wrote between 1374 to 1386. Even Shakespeare used ‘Ask’. Stop it...it’s ARRRSSSKKKK...Ask. It’s just ask.

Mutton dressed as Lamb

There is nothing more tragic than a bitch who wears lippy above her lip. This is where they got the phrase ‘mutton dressed up like lamb’… It also includes the wearing of leopard skin, fur coats, collagen lips and visible 'g' strings of anyone over 50…stop it! I know it’s an offensive title, referring to an older lady dressing like a much younger one…but deliberately trying to deceive when you’re not in the race is just catastrophic. Men too, can be…mutton dressed as ram…it’s called a Lamborghini and gold jewelry, fake tans, gold sluggers (budgie smugglers, dick bathers), blonde teenage girlfriends and spray on hair… what the hell?

Tattoos or more specifically, Chinese tattoos.

Why not put it in English? I ask everyone I ever see who has a Chinese tattoo (unless they are Chinese) what does that mean? And then, how do you know it means that? How do you know it really says ‘Like a tiger with wings’ and not ‘Twice cooked pork and a spring roll’ or ‘Time passes like water’ and not ‘Don’t pee on your shoes’ and some Chinese tattooist is laughing his arse off at you… Truth is I’m a clean skin and not a big fan of tattoos even though my partner has several. Why put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
Just saying!

Dicks!

‘Do not eat’ . They are tiny desiccant sachets we find in the bottom of vitamin and pill bottles. They are a harmless absorbent moisture and odour sponge, necessary to cope with the shipping and atmospheric conditions and changes in temp that could cause moisture to ruin the pill quality. I for one am glad they put, ‘Do not eat’ on the packet because who knows what might happen…I may eat it. Doesn’t look like my vitamin but hell, it’s in there…must be okay to eat…and you know why they put ‘do not eat’ on it? It’s because of the dicks that eat it…and they’re the ones walking around the world with a bad case of dry mouth, their puffy tongues lolling ridiculously between their parched lips.

With Facebook we are subject to all sorts of fascinating little stories and photos from others. There are Instagram pictures of people's rissole and mash dinners, surprise bunches of flowers from a partner, a nice pic of nana bowling Freddy out in cricket (sepia for that one – with frame). Both cute and sad animal pictures of small white baby animals being kicked across a football field and then there are the check ins from the gym or a bar in a cool part of town (and I am check in queen so am definitely not knocking the ‘check in’). Declarations of love for Jesus, hate for Abbott or Barack Obama, pro-gay marriage slogans, pops humour, boasts of accomplishments people show off about to get some acclaim they need deep down from fb friends and strangers they've never met but play Candy Crush with. Then we get bloody really ordinary posts like, “That moment when…”  or worse That awkward moment when…” - shut up dick!

People,- get an original thought…You can even join these groups if they want to share their really awkward moments in life… – ‘That awkward moment when Santa and I have the same wrapping paper’…oh yes, that is awkward. “That awkward moment when you slept with your neighbour and then accidentally told your wife.”  

Personalised number plates! And really unbelievably stupid; personalised number plates that state what the make of the car is…for example, BMW-007…there are BMW badges on the car asshole, no one needs an explanation, no one cares! Why would you do this? You’re some wanker that needs to point this out. I almost (barely) understand why personalised number plates can be cutesy or mildly amusing when your 17 and they may even possibly be clever to some degree (a really, really small degree) but JAG-975 or MERC-05 is stupid! I mean you can put whatever you want on those suckers…pretty much…It simply makes you a dick. A really small dick.

Often when I’m on a call to my insurer, Flowtoll, or Medicare for example,  I often hear on the other end of the phone (when speaking to a real person), ‘Bear with me’, not just once but every time their computer screen freezes or they have to go and ask a supervisor something (rubbish, they’re going out for a smoke), or they blink. I spoke to one fellow on the phone recently who while very helpful, did my head absolutely in because he said it every few seconds…‘bear with me’, ‘bear with me’, ‘bear with me’...sometimes he mixed it up by adding words like 'Just bear with me' or 'bear with me please'...did he not realise he was saying it? Did he not know what else to say? Was he panicking? Is he a dick?…'sshhuuuush', I wanted to yell, - 'stop saying that'!! It’s stupid. I know it’s a polite way of saying 'Be patient with me while I fix up your stuff' but say it once, not every 3 seconds. Got it the first time, - you dick!

Acronym conversations are run-of-the-mill for public servants, and in all honesty, I’m kinda taken aback when people from outside of government stop us mid conversation and ask what it all means…God where do we start? Occasionally (a lot)…we don’t even know what the words are but we know what they mean…for example, I am a SATO from the SAT team who works with DS. My role includes doing TLR’s, COFP’s, meeting with NGO’s, sorting through YLYC and funding rounds for S4SL. We use BIS to record  ICAPS and ONI’s and approach HACCQCC on a regular basis. If HACCQCC can’t assist there is always CCRC and ERF-FSG. We assist with MASS, CAEATI, VOSS and CLI and at the end of the day after all is said and done…we are just dicks without words.

‘Arks’ instead of ‘ask’. Don’t do this. This is stupid…and grammatically wrong. I hear it more than I should. It’s offensive to my ears. “I arksed Ann for that rocky road recipe” a friend of mine said recently…she is an intellectual, creative adult with a degree…what the hell? I get when I was little I might have said, ‘hostible and hefalump and meer rision mirror’ but I was 6…not 46. I heard an administration officer in a meeting the other day say it too, …’No, dick’…I wanted to shout and then get the speech therapist  in my building to sort her out. How hard is it to say ASK? I ask you!

Bananas in Pajamas…there’s just no excuse for this kind of dick.  Daddy pig runs a close second.