Work Toots and Pod Etiquette

“Shit, someone is in my toilet cubicle. Who the fuck is that?”

I almost stooped, both literally and figuratively speaking, to have a gander under the door to sight the shoes so that I could identify them somewhere in the office afterwards and say “Um excuse me intruder, the first loo on the right is mine, Okay Missus.” But how disturbing would that be?

I have just re-started work again after 3 years and five days off, on extended maternity leave. I only go a couple of days a week but I already own my loo and I did the first hour I was there. It’s a thing I do. I actually almost hate that I do it because it’s quite restrictive but I even do it at a pub, convention, restaurant or plane. I’ve always done it. I’m hoping I’m not the only one who does it. The first time I go to a toilet where there are a few to choose from I kind of very rapidly check them out first, almost subconsciously. I stop to think which one I am comfortable with because I know that for the duration of my working life in that office, longevity of my address in the vicinity of the local pub, session duration at a non local pub, or trip on a plane; that will be my loo. It just feels wrong to go into a different one when “mine” is being used. So on starting back at work a couple of weeks ago, I went into the toilets for the very first time and consciously stopped and thought, ‘now which loo feels right because baby this is going to be your loo for a while’. I chose and I haven’t looked back! Even scarier thought; Sometimes I want research on the psychology of people’s decisions in relation to picking a loo so that I go to the most infrequently used one...I have a feeling though that I am quite average and possibly the loo I choose is every other fuckers too...only no-one admits it!!!

The pod is an interesting concept as a work setting. I hate the pod for a variety of reasons. People sit too close, there is no privacy. You can hear everything. You can see everything. You can’t eat tuna in a pod. It’s true. It’s on the list of pod etiquette. Don’t eat tuna and other things that might disagree with peoples olfactory responses. It’s also an obvious example of substantive employee positions. The managers and other people have individual offices or pods but the plebs have to sit together. Look, don’t get me wrong I think people in management earn their roles (mostly) but I really feel lesser being in a pod. Maybe that’s my issue alone and maybe that’s because in the past I have had my own office as a manager but that’s how it feels. I do enjoy pod camaraderie of sorts but it makes you fat. To really belong to a pod you need to provide and consume tea, coffee and fattening comestibles regularly. Things like bun, croissants, cakes and sometimes even chips. It also makes you poor because you have to belong to coffee and milk groups and pay up often. It makes you late because when it’s your buy, you have to firstly drop your child at day care and then stop at a convenience store to purchase milk and coffee and other assorted items, (bun, twists, pull aparts) and then try to get a park. Fuck the pod I say.